He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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