the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
