I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
