Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
