this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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