I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
