They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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