your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
