so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
