Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
