1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
