I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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