two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You are a genius and a whore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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