I'm gonna have a badass scar
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
