He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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