i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
