pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
