also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were trust falling into bushes
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
