You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
