can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
