The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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