today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
