i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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