well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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