I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I look excited, but its just a facade.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
