Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My friends, they love my intelligence
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
