Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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