Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
