Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
