Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
