If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
