I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
