Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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