i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
