Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
