I can't breathe out the right side of my face
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
