I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
