the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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