Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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