I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
