i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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