Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
