Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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