I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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