he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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