So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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