There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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