If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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