I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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