my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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