I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
