she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I touched a dick in church today
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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