you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
